I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
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I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
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How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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