Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
We got so high we made milksteak
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I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Did I show you my penis last night?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
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Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Im part way to drunk.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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