Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
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just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
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And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
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