She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
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He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
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So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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