On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
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