The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
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For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm like, not good at living.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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