I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
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he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
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And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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