why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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