If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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