I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
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We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
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I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
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