just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize