hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
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I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
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Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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