you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
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Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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