Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
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So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
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Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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