running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
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We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
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I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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