omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
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ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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