I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
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Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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