whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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