so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
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All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
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Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
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