i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
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