hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
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There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
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you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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