All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize