got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
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i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
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I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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