My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
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wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
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Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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