I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
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