Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
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in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
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I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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