He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
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Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
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I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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