I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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