she woke up with a sticky ear
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
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you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
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We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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