my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
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Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
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I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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