Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
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I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
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You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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