a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
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Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
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I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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