please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
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Just invented taco cereal.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
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So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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