Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
honey bunches of taint.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
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Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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