So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize