i think my tv is drunk
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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