I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
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I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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