The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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