don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
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Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
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I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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