He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
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Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
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Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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