either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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