Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
In America we eat man semen.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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