alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
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It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
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For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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