just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
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I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
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You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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