Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
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say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
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Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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