1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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