We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
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woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
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thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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