i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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