i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
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Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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