My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Someone shit on the floor
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
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He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
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I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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